Anxiety I didn't know existed for many many years

 It's been many years. I mean MANY since I felt completely relaxed about things I do. Can you imagine feeling guilty for going out every time for more than 5+ years? For going out with your gfs, for taking time for yourself after the gym like going shopping and stuff. Even when going shopping, you feel it and try to do things quickly to return home "in time". For knowing you are going to go out in a week or so and being all stressed out about that situation because you know how bad for your mental health it's going to end. For going to do beauty things and feeling you have to return home faster. For fucking to go do own business and feel it's going to be a disaster after. For feeling like you've done something wrong when in reality you didn't do anything wrong. For feeling guilty when in reality you definitely don't have to feel guilty about enjoying things. For knowing you were out three days ago and you can't go one more time this week because you kinda step out of your limit already.

Things got out of control many years ago. I mean many. At that time, I thought this is going to be better for me because I wasn't the person I am now, and going out wasn't good for me. I used to believe in this so religiously that now, after all these years I feel guilty for having fun because I don't deserve fun, I didn't do anything to have fun today. Not today, not tomorrow, not never.

It's time for me to get stronger at the point of being an adult I thought I'd become when was young. It's time for me to start learning not to feel this way even tho now I have no clue how to do so.

Today I am weak, but tomorrow I'll get stronger. In a year I will be reading this and finally feeling liberated. Amen.