I have been fighting for myself my whole life

 So this is going to be intense...

I have never had an idea my childhood was all about traumas. Well, not all but mostly. Being an adult I used to tell myself that I am not mad at my mom and the way she raised me was because she never knew anything else. My grandma used to be rough with mom and so that's how my mum knew what love is.

So back then my dad worked in a different country because we didn't have money and family had to survive. All that time my mom and I lived together until dad returned when I was about 10. I am not sure actually when it was but let's leave it like that.

My mother is a bit emotionally distant woman. She does not cry at funerals and I probably saw her crying a few times when she and dad used to fight we he was drunk. I don't remember her saying she loves me or at least that was said when she was tipsy. When I got older she tried to hug me a few times but I don't take it the right way. It feels wrong and only now I understand I have the right to feel this way.

My mom used to spank and hit me. Mostly for not doing the dishes, not cleaning our home, etc. When I got older she started slapping my face when got angry about something. My parents still believe kids should be punished often and when they (kids) are being playful or have any other emotions my parents do not agree with, they would beat the shit out of that kid right away.

I used to be that kid. When I got older I understood my childhood was not okay. I never had a voice to argue with my mom and even when I started saying something back she used to press me with her authority and shut me up. So basically I have never had a voice.

I still struggle with saying things loud. If something goes not the way I like I prefer to swallow it instead of fighting up. Basically, I am an adult in someone's hands who doesn't know what she likes and who she is, only what other people insist on and she just agrees with it.

When I got older, I discovered things about myself my close people did not understand. I still feel like protecting myself from other people.

I never learned to give the responsibility of my life to my parents. When I was three yo I understood I can't rely on my father and somewhere on the way to my 20, I did the same with my mom.

All my life I have been looking for someone who would take responsibility for me and my steps and I never thought I am the person who should do it in the first place. Nobody taught me I had to be my own person and not give myself completely for someone else.

So here I am, a 27-year-old woman who doesn't know who she is and what she likes, and she still struggling with being open about her wishes and fight for them.